


Without You

by Lana_Raven



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, F/F, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, SwanQueen Fanfiction Facebook Group (Once Upon a Time)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-23 19:15:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21086435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lana_Raven/pseuds/Lana_Raven
Summary: Emma opens up about her life long struggle with depression, but only after losing the love of her life.





	Without You

**Author's Note:**

> This is a raw incomplete draft.

"Regina?" Someone called her name. The familiar sound of her voice startled the brunette and she spun around just in time to see the ex-sheriff of the small town rapidly approaching. Regina want to run but her feet wouldn't budge and she was forced into awkward pleasantries with her ex-girlfriend.

"Emma!" The mayor yelped. As the reality of the blonde's closeness settled, she gave the doe eyed woman a tight lipped smile and took a deep breath. 

"It's good to see you again." The blonde smiled, genuinely elated to see the town's mayor. 

"And you." Regina was mortified, the blonde seemed happy. She wasn't broken up and struggling with her decision to leave town a year ago. She was partying without the weight of responsibility on her back. 

"Are you here with someone?" Emma looked around for any signs that Regina was involved with another. 

"Are you?" The mayor snapped. 

"Sort of, yeah." The younger woman dismissively shrugged as she glanced over her shoulder. 

"I see." The brunette felt a pang of jealousy surging through her veins at Emma's remark but she allow herself the question she really didn't want the answer to anyway. "So, it's not serious then?" The blonde's smile was radiant when she said "you know me Gina... I can’t do serious", like it was something endearing, something to be proud of. The ex-sheriff waited momentarily, she was waiting for the smile she missed to crack from the mayor red tinted lips. Instead she was faced with the cold glare of the woman who felt scorned and quickly muttered "he's over there... somewhere." "Yes. I remember that well." 

"Regina don't-" Deflated and ashamed, she couldn't finish her sentence. 

"Don't what Miss Swan?" 

"Oh, come on R’gina. We've been through too much to go back to "Miss Swan".

"Yes, we did. However, we are a long ways away from ever being anything else aren't we? Don't act upset now, not when this is what you asked for." 

"I didn't "ask" for this Reg-"

"No? That's strange, because I vividly remember the day you told me "this"... us... was too much for you."

"That's not-"

"I clearly remember you never coming back."

"I wanted-"

"I must have confused you for the woman, I gave my heart too."

"Regiina, please-"

"Are you not the woman I gave my battered heart too? "

"I didn't mean-"

"The woman I loved!"

"I love -"

"I believe you are. HOWEVER, I wasn't good enough to make her stay, not even long enough to have this conversation. So maybe, just maybe you are not the woman who stole my heart and burned my soul."

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
Flashback Begins

"What’s wrong Emma? You’ve been… so distant recently." The brunette was not use to the emotional vulnerability it required to ask her lover if it was her fault but she needed to know if she was the cause for the blonde's strange behaviour. "Are you upset with me?"

Umm, it’s not you. I-I’m just trying to sort some things out. 

Oh, okay. Do you feel like sharing? Maybe I can help you sort through whatever it is.

Umm, no not really. Honestly, I don’t think you can help, I just need space I guess. 

What are you trying to say?

I- I don’t know R’gina, I don’t want to try and put my thoughts into words right now. 

You don’t need too. But, you know I am here if you want or need me.

I should go.

Wait, what!? It’s the middle of the night, where do you intend to go?

I don’t know yet. 

Em-Ma!

I don’t know Regina, I don’t know if I can do this anymore. 

Do what exactly?

This...Us! I can’t-

Stop, don’t... don’t say whatever you’re about to say. 

As the tears start to rim her lids, Regina takes a shallow breath and Emma slowly heads toward the door. 

I don’t understand-

I know you don’t.

Then help me understand Emma...please. I don’t want to lose you.

Regina, you are the best past of my life and you don’t deserve this. You deserve better than my half-assed ability to love.

Emma, my love you are everything I could have ever asked for there is nothing “half-assed” about you.

I’m not deserving of your love... it’s too much. Your love… it’s-

Too much, you said that. - (She stated bitterly) 

I know. 

Emma, please don’t do this. I don’t want to be in this place without you. 

R’gina, I need to figure me out.

Then figure you out with me by your side. 

I’m broken. 

And I love your pieces, they’re perfect. 

My pieces can’t love you the way you love me. 

I don’t need you to love like me, I need you to continue loving like you already do. I love the way you love me Emma. You’ve made me happy in ways I didn’t think I could ever be.

But, it’s not enough Regina, I don’t feel like I love well. 

You love better than well Emma, I’m so sorry I have made you feel like your love isn’t enough. You are more than enough my love, believe me you are everything. 

It’s not your fault, I told this isn’t on you. It’s my own issues really. I really should go, don’t want to make this worse. 

Stay, please. 

Regina-

Don’t leave like this, for the sake of everything we’ve had. Just one more night-

Uh, I want to-

Then, close the door and come to bed. We’ll figure out the rest tomorrow. 

Okay. tomorrow.

Late morning the next day.

Regina was ripped from her sleep in a state of panic, her fingers were clinging to the soft flow of the sheet wrapped around her naked body and as she stared at the cold spot devoid of her beautiful, blonde lover. Her sight blinded by the sudden burning of endless tears, her hands trembled violently against her shuddering chest. As her lungs rummaged for her natural ability to inhale oxygen the skin above her ribcage started to throbbed. She was drowning in a pool of her own making as the reality of Emma’s absence sank in. Regina’s body was vaulted over Emma’s cold pillow as the bruette buried her wet face in reminiscent essences of her lover’s scent, sobbing in muffled silence while her mind was assaulted with memories of the previous night. 

Flashback Ends _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Regina wait!” the blonde pleaded as she reached for the retreating brunette.

“Let go, Miss Swan.” Regina pulled her wrist away as Emma curled her own offending hand into her chest.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-” 

“What do you want EmMa?”

“Can we talk for a bit?”

“In regards too?”

“Regina, please…”

“Please? Please what Emma?”

“Just talk to me.”

“You want to talk about it now?”

“I-I’m sorry Regina, I miss you.”

“Oh, that’s rich Emma, did you only start missing me five minutes ago?”

“What? No!”

“That’s interesting, because I haven’t heard from you in over a year. That’s not the behaviour of one who misses someone.”

“I’m sorry, I meant-”

“Stop apologizing Miss Swan, it has no impact on the situation.”

“I wanted to talk to you, I needed to see you but I didn’t know what to say after-”

“After? After leaving my bed, my home, my life. After what?”

“I-I’m sorry Regina.”

“Damn it, Miss Swan! I don’t want to hear about how sorry you are.”

“It’s all I have…”

“Well, it’s not anything I want. Goodnight, Miss Swan. I hope you enjoy the rest of your… encounter.”

(Emma follows her to the car.)

“Regina, please just talk to me. I know I’m not in any position to ask for favours but I need to know that you and Henry are doing okay.”

“Are you seriously asking about Henry’s well-being right now?”

“Ummm, yeah. I haven’t from him in a few months.”

“He lost his mother, how do you think he’s doing?”

“Oh, come on Regina. He didn’t lose me. I’m still here for him he knows that.”

“Does he?”

“I haven’t been completely honest about what happened but I told him it had nothing to do with him and that he could always call me.”

“Where were you Emma?”

“Huh?”

“You left Storybrooke, that much I know.”

“Oh. I umm, I went home.”

“Home?”

“Boston.”

“I have been wrong about a lot of things in my life Emma, but this…”

“Oh no, no, no, no please, don’t cry.”

“It hurts Emma, I don’t really want to see you right now. Please just go.”

“I-I can’t leave you like this.”

“You already did.” 

“Regiina-”

“Makes no difference now, don’t touch me.”

“I’m sorry, I know I hurt you. I wish I could I find a way to undo this. I never should have-.”

“How could you Emma- You were- I thought were-argh!” Regina’s moment of weakness passed and she slipped into her mask.

“We were home Emma, Henry and I were under the impression that your home was with us. Apparently, we were incorrect and we have made adjustments accordingly. You forfeited your right to a relationship with my son the moment you chose to abandon him for the second time in his life. Do not attempt to reach him while he continues to move on with his life. It has not been an easy transition for him and you will not hinder his progress with your flaky behaviour.”

“No, wait Regina. Please, I want to make this right.”

“We’ve moved on Emma, I suggest you do the same. You may want to start with the “not so serious” person you came here with.”

Regina, felt numb but she functioned well enough to make it through the work week. It had been a hellish week, she only wanted to get home and curl into her bed. Piecing her life back together after Emma's disappearance a year ago was easier than she thought it would have been.The Mayor simply pretended that their love was all in her mind and that Emma was a concept of what love would be like if she ever found it. Each day got easier, the lack of blonde hair breezing through the town made it seem like the truth. Now, Regina sees her hazel gaze when she closed her own, the brunette hears the sweet sound of her voice calling to her when a room is silent. She even feels Emma's touch against her skin when the wind blows and she knew the barriers she build around the pain in her mind were collapsing; she was on the verge of despair and desolation when she dragged her tired body through the front door and sat on the floor. Regina stared at the white envelope that was sitting on the ground with her. The corner of the folded paper was slightly jammed beneath the door but the small words written on the top were clearly visible and she knew only one person that would have stop by, only to stick a note under her door. The mayor slipped her pumps from her feet and leaned into her right palm as she reached for the enclosed document; the words read me scribbled in a timid way stared back at her.

Please don’t toss it away.  


It was difficult to put this into words and I only attempted this for you, Regina.

It’s embarrassing to admit that I am weak to you, defeat and broken by my own mind.

I am too ashamed of myself to allow you see me like this but I at least need you to know there is nothing you could have done to change my decision to leave that morning.  
Please, just bear with me while I try to describe the things I find impossible to share.

My brain wasn’t, still may not be a safe place for me or the people I love anymore. I wanted you there, here for me but its selfish and I couldn’t allow you to be consumed by more darkness. 

My own darkness. Darkness that found its way to me despite my parents’ efforts to inflict this on another instead of allowing me to deal with it gradually. Maybe, that’s why I cannot control it, its unchecked madness loose and raging within a broken shell of a would be saviour. 

I cannot trust myself to make decisions that are beneficial to myself, let alone you and our son. Then there’s the town and its people, I cannot be the hero everyone wants. I cannot be Henry’s hero; I didn’t want to be everyone’s saviour.

But, I wanted to be yours and I’m terrified that you’ll see the disappointment I see when I see my reflection. 

I needed to leave my love, I don’t deserve your love and I understand if my words are disturbing and if you never believe in me again. It's why I couldn’t have this conversation in person. I couldn’t bare to see the pain in your eyes, I know you would have done anything to help but your love is too important to me to lose it this way. You are inspiring, after the life you’ve lived you don’t deserve me destroying everything you’ve built. You are happy, you are at peace and my storms are not for you to suffer through.

“I’m fine.” It’s my go-to phrase, it doesn’t actually have meaning to me. I don’t think I know what that actually means when I say it. But, I need you to know that these conflicts are internal and you are entrusted with these words because sharing your life with me was the only time I was ever truly felt happy. 

Happiness with you and Henry meant everything to me, but I still wasn’t fine. My brain lies to me; I know it does. I have seen the lies with my eyes, every time you smile at me. I know my brain lies to me, every time you touched me, I felt the lies. 

But, I cannot unhear the hateful things I tell myself and I couldn’t return your loving smiles with genuine smiles of my own, not when I’m constantly having to fight my own thoughts and convince myself that you and I are good together. I knew it was a lie, but my brain told me that I would eventually destroy us… and I did anyway despite knowing it was a lie. I destroyed us because I ran from the possibility of it being true.

Please, forgive me Regina. 

The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you. I know what I did was shitty but it was the only way I knew to save you from me. I will never stop loving you, I just wish I could love you better. You are worth more than the shit love I can offer.

Thank you for reading this to the end and thank you for loving me. 

My brain can’t lie to me about that, I felt your love and no amount of lies my brain tells me can ever convince me that it wasn’t real. 

Em.


End file.
